The last animal of fire

The last animal of fire, in his lonely, dark cave, slept dreaming without thinking since, in his animal quality, his cerebral traits were somewhat limited.  He was dreaming with the last time he made love, and the last time he saw a female still alive.  In his dream the world was a monumental embrace of fire and coal, and his dwelling was tainted with a redness that did more than live, it bubbled with a gleefulness that dyed the air with enormous sparks.  He had already convinced the female that this was a nest worthy of their progeny.  He let her get installed at the warmest site of the crater that he had suffered so much to conquer.  He had expelled and rejected dragons with so many beautiful shades in their scales that he could not remember them anymore.  She, his partner, seemed to be at peace in the spot he had chosen; however, he knew that soon she would start to get violent to the extent of releasing flame gusts through each one of her pores.  It was the natural process.  But he would wait and keep her right.  He would withstand the physical touch of her skin turned into embers, and would keep her in her place with cuddles and subtle hugs wrapped with his wings.  He would bear all of this for love.  Her horns penetrating his neck, and the last flare from her mouth coming into his the way explosions do.  And only then, with her being exhausted and frankly soothed, he could, with the little strength he would have left, end the act of love.  Then, for an instant, for a magic moment of ecstasy that would not last more than a second and that would not be repeated for years, they would both at the same time become beings with blood cold and barren.  Lonely beings keeping company to each other at the moment of that which for dragons is an actual explosion.  To be together and be one with each other for an eternal instant at which the future would be perpetuated with their seeds.

All of this was still imagination within the dream of the last animal of fire.  He came back from his daydream within his oneiric unreality and contemplated once more how his partner was getting comfortable, knowing that this was the peace before the storm of the courtship soon to be consummated.  He looked at his dragoness and found her beautiful, just at the time that a flock of men, behind her back, came out of the back part of the crater under the mountain with their evil yearning for extermination.  The animal of fire, scared as he was before the view of what was approaching, started flying immediately towards his loved one to protect her now that she was defenseless within the aim of the human spears, but he never reached his destination...  

He woke up in the cold darkness of his cave with his wings extended towards an embrace that just wrapped on thin air.  Anguished and upset, he did not try to explain what had just happened, but he continued searching for his dragoness with his eyes, knowing that he would not find her, since in this wretched shelter no female would ever lay their gaze.  He then kept quietly monitoring in search of threatening men, but he did not find them either.  Soon after, he quit, and stabbed the wet, earthy ground with his chin, and -even when in his animal quality he had no awareness of his having dreamt and remembered- without knowing what that stabbing pain was that ripped from his heart, he became sadness invaded, and two confused tears added moisture to his eyes to vaporize at the touch of his scaled skin, love forgotten...

Circle draw

To dwell in one's mind, to live in its unlimited silence. Swinging with the winding meadows of one's very own soul, worn weary, worn out. To not be able to turn around, or to come out. To find fault with everything within, and not be able to mend any of it.

To change perspective. To bring different visions about. To fiercely hurt that which can not be undone, but that can be traced, hunted, and, finally, wounded. Never killed.

To kindly remind ourselves that it is not changing that we need: It is profound awareness of what we actually are, so we can shine. So we can at least help darkness into clarity, into misted garments of pale, dim light.

To roar. To cry. To bear and tear. To heal. To become healed. To appease.

To let others lean. To let others sing. Sing out. To let them do. To let them, for a time, dwell in their minds as well. And find their hearts within.

Sometimes

Sometimes I wonder why the urge to write is more strident when my heart is torn.
At times I turn back and feel that there's nothing to write related to what I was before.
I'm dead since I let go of the things that I once shared, the feelings that blew up within the paragraphs that I here I used to baste.
I chose to kill myself and be happy, live and transcend on other plains, on other lives.
I regret not.
I accept it in the most humane manner, I live it in the most mundane way.
Caressing moments and late nights.
Intesifying the lines of indelible roads.
I contemplate myself and I know I'm everyday older, stronger and less prone.
My nose is a hook.
My eyes glittered, but now they're sombre.
I'm falling from a cliff manufactured with a permanent levity.
I have ceased growing.
I hide my introspections from the people I love, so as not to hurt them.
I'm water.
I rain and then steam away.
I sometimes run without aim because I'm pouring everywhere...

Sometimes I wonder why the urge to write is more stident when my heart is torn.

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Click here for original Spanish version.

Bliss

A character. A small piece of flesh made alive by its very own will to remain. It's ranking its life upon the sole esence within which it moves and flows. All the time, something is leaving from it like smaller fractions of jelly matter and, at the same time, it grows thicker and firmer as it gains vital space. No other thing flows or exists around it. It's moving without propelling amidst some kind of liquefied semi-bubbly substance in which nutrients seem to overexist.

It is growing in size and conciousness. It's starting to feel more and more. It senses its own existence and its own will. "I want to be more," it thinks, even though it really doesn't know where that need might be driven from. And then puzzlement comes: "What am I, anyway?" "What's this thing I'm surrounded by?"

And then, as an answer to a question that hasn't yet been made, a whole set of new fibres start emerging from tis embodied being. New experiences, new ways of sensing the fullness of its vast environment. It's enjoying now. It's gone into a state of supreme bliss. It's so overastonishing that thought has totally left. Abandonment to joy simply nullifies and smoothly blasts away any thought pattern.

For now...

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Un personaje. Un pequeño pedazo de carne hecho vivo por su muy propia voluntad de permanecer. Califica su vida conforme a la esencia dentro de la cual se mueve y fluye. Todo el tiempo, algo se separa de él como más pequeñas fracciones de materia gelatinosa y, al mismo tiempo, se siente crecer más grueso y firme al ganar espacio vital. Ninguna otra sustancia fluye o existe en derredor suyo. Se mueve sin propulsarse por entre algún tipo de sustancia licuada y algo burbujeante dentro de la cual hay demasiados nutrientes.

Crece en tamaño y en conciencia. Está empezado a sentir más y más. Siente su propia existencia y su propia voluntad. "Quiero ser más," piensa, aún cuando ni siquiera sabe de dónde semejante necesidad podría venir. Y luego llega el ofuscamiento: "¿Qué es lo que soy?" "Qué es esto que me rodea?"

Y luego, a manera de respuesta para una pregunta que ni siquiera ha sido formulada, un emergente juego de fibras comienza a surgir de su ser corporal. Nuevas experiencias, nuevas formas de sentir el lleno de su medio tan vasto. Ahora lo disfruta. Se ha instalado en un estado de supremo éxtasis. Es tan sobrecogedor que el pensamiento se ha ido completamente. El abandono al gozo simplemente nulifica y tersamente destruye cualquier patrón de pensamiento.

Por ahora...

A and B

Hermano B (alegre): Caminé diez kilómetros desde mi casa hasta aquí. Me siento muy bien.

Hermano A (gritando y esquivando el abrazo): Ya lo sé, maldito inconciente. La única razón por la que dios te ubicó en esta familia fue para que te pusiéramos una correa como a los perros. Ven y abrázame donde no te pegue el sol.

Hermano B (con el corazón roto): Está bien.

Hermano A (visiblemente enfadado): ¿Por qué te viniste caminando?

Hermano B (con plena conciencia de su simple verdad): ¡Porque quise!

(continuará...)

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Brother B (joyful): I walked ten kilometers from home to get here. I feel pretty good.

Brother A (yelling and walking away from the hug): I know, you freakin' irresponsible bastard. The only reason why god brought you to this family was so that we could put a leash on you like a dog. Come and hug me where the sun won't hit you.

Brother B (with his heart broken): Alright.

Brother A (obviously pissed): Why did you walk all the way here?

Brother B (with a full awareness of his simple truth): Because I felt like it!

(to be continued...)

Sin título (No title)

Musas tintinean los cascabeles que cuelgan de sus vestidos a las rodillas con lentejuelas blancas y plateadas. El sentirse inspirado tiene sus vaivenes. Son tan delgadas y tienen cuerpos tan firmes. Son tan invitantes. Cualquiera quisiera abusar de ellas. Entrar en grupo vikingo rastrero, cual estampida de bisontes violadores, y tomarlas a todas de ambas muñecas con una sola mano inmensa de hombre de mar y zarandearlas a un tiempo. Las rubias, las pelirrojas, las morenas, las bellas, las de piernas grandes, las altas, las menuditas, las de grandes senos, las de frente amplia, las de gran personalidad, las tímidas y las de grandes ojos expresivos. Contusiones. Raspones. Fuerza. Lucha. Exterminio. Generalmente -si es que esto se puede hacer de manera general- las batallas contra tales divinidades son aún más certeras y extenuantes que cualquier pelea callejera, cisma o guerra.

Hoy me propuse asesinarlas a todas. Hoy quise simplemente tomar los dones que me fueron obsequiados y usarlos para desmontar la belleza de cualquier paisaje. Después de todo, me los dieron. Yo no luché por ser músico, no luché por tener cierto talento para escribir, para componer, para enseñar, o para comprender... Hoy las quería ver muertas, tendidas frente a mí a un lado de un río enturbiado de lamoso lodo viejo y vil. Hoy exijo y demando de la vida que se me dé lo que quiero y nunca más lo que me sea menos complicado. Hoy hago un reclamo por fuerza. Por ser un macho potente y lleno de brío, furioso y empecinado, alegre proveedor, ceñudo protector, señor en mi páramo. Conmino a los poderes del universo a que me hagan el mejor en aquello de lo que me he prendado por ser y hacer. En lo que soy. Con justeza y autoridad convoco a todas las deidades, a los demonios y a los charlatanes a concederme mi único anhelo. He dejado de ambicionar la atención de los ávidos. He usurpado la necesidad de mi alma y la he comprimido en una bola con forma de suspiros. Y al fin, ahora, con absoluta certeza en el dicho de mi seguridad, he proclamado: Maduren musas, deslíguense de mí, busquen a alguien que realmente las necesite, satisfagan la insaciedad de algún otro genio, hijas mías, corran sin llorar y sin voltear siquiera a ver mi silueta por vez última parada sobre la cima de mi contoneada colina, porque mi búsqueda ha terminado y, por entre las cegadoras luces que me convierten en difuminada sombra desde la distancia, estoy en paz...

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Muses twinkle their jingle bells which hang down from their knee-high dresses with white and silver sequens. Feeling inspired has its swings. They're so thin and they have such firm bodies. They're so inviting. Anyone would want to abuse them. To burst in as a creeping viking herd, just like a rapist bison stampede, and to grab them all from both wrists with only one immense hand of a man of the seas and to toss them around at a same time. The blondes, the red haired ones, the brunettes, the beautiful ones, the ones with big legs, the tall ones, the tiny ones, the ones with big breasts, the one with wide foreheads, the ones with great personality, the shy ones and the ones with huge expressive eyes. Bruises. Scratches. Strength. Struggle. Extermination. Generally -if such a thing could be done in a general fashion- battles against such divinities are even more accurate and exhausting than any street fight, schism or war.

Today I intended to murder them all. Today I simply wanted to grasp the gifts I was granted and use them to dismantle the beauty of any landscape. After all, they were given to me. I didn't work my ass off to be a musician, I didn't struggle to have a certain talent at writing, composing, teaching or understanding... Today, I wanted to see them all dead, lying in front of me next to a river made cloudy with old and vile mud. Today I claim and demand from life that I be given what I want and never again what is less complicated. Today I call for strength. To be a potent and full of energy male, furious and determined, joyful provider, frowning protector, master over my moor. I summon the powers of the universe to make me the best at what I have become pinned by for being and doing. At what I am. With justice and authority I call all deities, demons and charlatans to grant me my only wish. I have left aspiring for the attention of the avid ones. I have usurped the need of my soul and I have compressed it into a sigh-shaped wad. And at last, now, with absolute certainty upon what I say about my assurance, I've proclaimed: Mature, muses, unlink from me, search for someone who really needs you, quench some other genius' unfilling, my sweet daughters, run without crying and without even turning to look at my silhouette for this time last standing on top of my swaying hill, because now my own quest has ended and, amid the blinding lights that turn me into a blurry shadow from afar, I'm at peace...

All is so easy

Sometimes I get so desperate from being so busy. Physically, mentally and emotionally. My job, my fianceé, my no-moneyness, facebook, my classes, the material, the powerpoint slide shows, the final exams, the students, the principals, my bosses, the commitments, my debts, the grades, the extraordinary exams, the championship that's coming, my car, her dog, my mum, my siblings, my friends, Santos, the amount of minutes in my mobile, my clothes, my room, the not-working washing-machine, the people around us, our wedding, the photo shoot, the reception, the feast, the money, the guests, the godfathers, the ring, the proposing evening, the bridal shower and the bachelor party, the presents, my neglected live spaces, my equally neglected blogspot sites, my net friends, los tres coyotes, the freaking suicidal stupid man, the waiting, the nerve, my always showing a good face, the uninvited suddenly appeared, the invitations, the flower arrangements, the video shoot, the Summer vacations that come without a single dime, my eternal search, my pawned bass guitar, the cousins, the uncles, the aunts, the family, my unableness to ask for things -whatever to whomever-, my constant need to always eat in solitude, the concerts I'm not going to, my college buddies, the trips, students who love me, students who hate me, my Michigan diploma with honors, my recognition as the best teacher in front of the dean and all, the wine, the canapé servings, the waiters, the bar-tender, the TV, the fridge, the air conditioning system, the biweekly coffee that turns out to be into dinner for five at applebee's, our munchies, my empty wallet, the sacrificed music with a goosebumpy smirk, the loss that it involves, the death rasping breathing that it promotes, my stress-caused belly growth, my smile, the writing, the reports, the parents of my students that come to visit just to get to meet the teacher of their creatures, the monthly parties made to celebrate all the birtday people, my bad thoughts, my good thoughts, my intransigence of heart that keeps on not listening to my good sense which takes millenia to be aware of my emotinal state, the politics, the flattering, my car wrapped with the local team's flags, my library fines, the books, my computer, the quaranteened applications, the Trojan horses, my nephews, Nicholas, the repairs on our new house, the real estate agents that won't stop getting me through hell just to sell, the payroll receipts, my original birth certificate which says I'm a woman due to a typing mystake, the fucking heat that whips my city, the fence that shall be erected, the window protections, the house widening, the date in which it'll be given to us, the paper signing, the delays, the down payments, the honeymoon, the vacations, the days that we won't we working, the thoughts that just won't stop bothering, her depilation, the make up, my hair that just won't allow any control, the motor oil leak, the translations, the invitations I get to play with other bands, the curtains, the furniture, the trousseau, the dinner, the packages, the bride-shows, the prices, the discounts, my dirty little mind corners, my paranoia, my expectations, my eagerness, my need to get rid of everything and just go on with chaos, my urgency to have order, my family, the balance, the computer payments, internet, the events, the lawn, the lizards, the bridges being built throughout the city which take five minutes each from each of my commutes, her hands, her eyes, the feeling of drunkedness that they cause on me, the lack of concentration, the bouquet, the wedding band, the church, the garter, the lab tests, the civil wedding, the bride magazines, the time that's left and barely lets us make it, her PMSings, our Tuesday's movies, the endless leaflets, tryptichs and bulletins that are now like my car's inside tapestry, the disorganization, her waist, the countless assholes that keep hitting on her knowingly of the fact that she's soon getting married, those mother-fuckers, my laughter, mi vice, her posture, the salads we both make, our ignoring the past, the vampires, my castle on knighthood, my vasals, my songs, my need to sing and yell, the talks, the judgements and prejudices, the emotional charge, the music-knowledge tests, the fact that I winded out being Han Solo on my Star Wars personality test, the value of being, her lips, my restlessness, her father who won't even talk to me, my father whom I won't even turn to look at, our powerless mothers, my unquenchedness, my lack of inspiration, my ego, my libido that demands, my extremities that search and only in her they find my truth, my fate, my punishment, my struggle, my heaven, my grace and my peace...

Spanish version